A Journey of Faith

Today is 6 months to the day that we were in that hospital triage room... people have told me that you never really get over losing a baby, especially going as late into the pregnancy as I did... 6 months ago my heart broke... the irreparable damage still hurts. Sometimes I swear I still feel her in me... moving in her playful manner. My heart is scarred for life and just when I think I'm ok, I'm doing better, that sorrow lashes out of a hiding place burrowed deep within  my heart, scolding me, as if to say I'm not allowed to move on. I'm moved beyond missing her as the baby, other than in my womb, I never had her, I have no memories of her smiling face... I realize as time moves on that it's not her I miss as much as the idea of her. So every month on the 19th and 20th I mourn... on the 27th, the day we buried her little body, I mourn... and then the time of the month when I fail each pregnancy I mourn wondering if I will ever be blessed with my baby... or if my ar...

A year ago today we posted for the world and friends to see that we were expecting. Facebook memories are funny, some days they can bring the happiest of memories back to you and others... it can send you back into the pit of sadness and despair... My devotion today reminded me of "faith like a mustard seed". Truly I wonder, if I had had faith like a mustard seed would I have lost my precious baby girl? Did I lose her because my faith wavered? I remember thinking it impossible I was pregnant when I took the test, but then as I waited out those first few weeks I thought it was silly to hide it, everything would be fine... The pregnancy ran just like it did with Annabelle up to a certain point, lost weight from day 1, completely nauseous most of the day and exhausted. As Christmas rolled around I was better... then I failed my gestational diabetes test I had heard of women failing. They called for me to come in for the LONG test... I felt like death. I felt my body dying on...

I have never blogged in my life... so please forgive me if this seems like the ramblings of a crazy person... As time goes on and I reflect on those 9 months leading up to the day when everything changed... Let me be clear... God didn't do this. He didn't kill my baby. He didn't revel in my sorrow or laugh at my tears... he mourned with me. There is evil in this world because God gives us free choice. I don't think God did this to me... however, I feel like He did know how it would end, and He knew it wouldn't end up with me rocking my precious baby girl that I had felt like I had prayed so diligently for for over a year... I have always been a anxious person. I started taking Lexapro years ago. I got off of it when we started trying to conceive Savannah. During my pregnancy I had a hard time with my anxiety. Especially since it was the election of 2016 and Clinton and Trump were battling it out... I got to the point that I couldn't even listen to the radio a...

July 29th ... after a year and a half of trying... I had finally passed the test... Two weeks earlier my husband and daughter and I were going to journey out on our first road trip as a family. From San Antonio, TX to New Orleans, LA to Fairfax, VA. In the rush to plan and prepare I noticed my little calendar that I had been continually checking for a year and a half said my ovulation date was on the 11th... and I thought, NO WAY!! We will be in NOLA at that time, crashing at one of my oldest friend's condo in the world, sleeping in her bed no less, no way would we be trying in her bed to conceive. So we did the best we could and we gave it a good effort the night before we left...but I had serious doubts it worked... Fast forward to the morning after we returned from our journey. I know I have made plans for a girl's week, after being cooped up with my family for 2 weeks I need a night to refresh... but that thought in the back of my mind, maybe I should test to make sure es...