The beginning
July 29th ... after a year and a half of trying... I had finally passed the test...
Two weeks earlier my husband and daughter and I were going to journey out on our first road trip as a family. From San Antonio, TX to New Orleans, LA to Fairfax, VA. In the rush to plan and prepare I noticed my little calendar that I had been continually checking for a year and a half said my ovulation date was on the 11th... and I thought, NO WAY!! We will be in NOLA at that time, crashing at one of my oldest friend's condo in the world, sleeping in her bed no less, no way would we be trying in her bed to conceive. So we did the best we could and we gave it a good effort the night before we left...but I had serious doubts it worked... Fast forward to the morning after we returned from our journey. I know I have made plans for a girl's week, after being cooped up with my family for 2 weeks I need a night to refresh... but that thought in the back of my mind, maybe I should test to make sure especially is I plan on going out tonight and drinking. That one test beyond all my doubt and anxiety, I was pregnant. I was thrilled... immediately went into planning mode.
Fast forward to March 19th. I am 38 weeks and I know they will be inducing me at anytime. My next appt is Wednesday, it has been such a lovely week of Spring Break bliss, I go back to work tomorrow. I'm sitting outside enjoying the beautiful weather with my best friend when it dons on me, I haven't felt her move... my mind immediately starts counting back... when? when was the last time? I start to get nervous, but then again I have been nervous this entire pregnancy, convinced that something was wrong. We go eat dinner... nothing... I come home and eat candy... nothing... My husband zips over to Sonic to get me ice... nothing... I call the doctor and I'm told to go into Triage for them to check me out.
The whole way there I berate myself for being silly. We're going to get there and everything is fine...
I immediately get wheeled back and she tried the heart monitor but can't find it. She assures me this can sometimes happen, the baby is just probably in a strange position, they'll call the sonogram tech to come see me... I wait for what feels like an eternity. I keep singing "Thy Will be Done" by Hilary Scott over and over in my head... telling myself God will make it ok...
I lay back and close my eyes as the tech comes in and lay there in complete silence as they look on the monitor. After a few moments the doctor says "nope" and I fly up... panic... WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!?! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE. IT CAN'T BE, CHECK AGAIN, DO IT AGAIN!!!!! MAKE IT OK... FIX IT!!! PLEASE!!!! I beg and I beg PLEASE My husband slams his fist into the wall, I am screaming for someone to fix it, anyone... and the doctor, nurse and tech just stare sadly at me... stares I still see in my nightmares to this day. I scream, "I DID EVERYTHING RIGHT, I FOLLOWED EVERY RULE, MAKE THIS RIGHT!!!
And then you hear crying, silent crying of pregnant women around me who recognize that I am their worst fear. I have lost my baby, the baby I have dreamed of and prayed for... she is gone... They move quickly now, I am upsetting all the other pregnant ladies around me and have to be removed from the room...
A peace, that I cannot explain falls over me... I am broken, I am beyond sad... I feel as if I have lost everything and yet I feel this sense of calm and peace... I know Savannah is gone... but in those few defeated moments, I also know it will be okay... I would love to say that that feeling stayed with me... but it didn't. I would like to say I know even now almost 6 months later that I completely believe it will work out... but I don't....
Everyday is a battle. I feel God and the devil fighting over my soul. The devil will not have me... but my faith is fractured I want to believe that my rainbow baby is on her way... I want to trust that when I womb is finally blessed again that that pregnancy will go okay... but every month I test, every month I am irregular, my faith fades a little farther and I fall a little farther into the black hole I seem to find myself in.
If it weren't for my loving husband, who has been a rockstar or my beautiful baby girl that God blessed me with in 2011, Annabelle... I would have let the devil win a long time ago... However I cling to God in hopes that He can ease my suffering because I know if anyone can, He is the ONLY one who can...
Two weeks earlier my husband and daughter and I were going to journey out on our first road trip as a family. From San Antonio, TX to New Orleans, LA to Fairfax, VA. In the rush to plan and prepare I noticed my little calendar that I had been continually checking for a year and a half said my ovulation date was on the 11th... and I thought, NO WAY!! We will be in NOLA at that time, crashing at one of my oldest friend's condo in the world, sleeping in her bed no less, no way would we be trying in her bed to conceive. So we did the best we could and we gave it a good effort the night before we left...but I had serious doubts it worked... Fast forward to the morning after we returned from our journey. I know I have made plans for a girl's week, after being cooped up with my family for 2 weeks I need a night to refresh... but that thought in the back of my mind, maybe I should test to make sure especially is I plan on going out tonight and drinking. That one test beyond all my doubt and anxiety, I was pregnant. I was thrilled... immediately went into planning mode.
Fast forward to March 19th. I am 38 weeks and I know they will be inducing me at anytime. My next appt is Wednesday, it has been such a lovely week of Spring Break bliss, I go back to work tomorrow. I'm sitting outside enjoying the beautiful weather with my best friend when it dons on me, I haven't felt her move... my mind immediately starts counting back... when? when was the last time? I start to get nervous, but then again I have been nervous this entire pregnancy, convinced that something was wrong. We go eat dinner... nothing... I come home and eat candy... nothing... My husband zips over to Sonic to get me ice... nothing... I call the doctor and I'm told to go into Triage for them to check me out.
The whole way there I berate myself for being silly. We're going to get there and everything is fine...
I immediately get wheeled back and she tried the heart monitor but can't find it. She assures me this can sometimes happen, the baby is just probably in a strange position, they'll call the sonogram tech to come see me... I wait for what feels like an eternity. I keep singing "Thy Will be Done" by Hilary Scott over and over in my head... telling myself God will make it ok...
I lay back and close my eyes as the tech comes in and lay there in complete silence as they look on the monitor. After a few moments the doctor says "nope" and I fly up... panic... WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!?! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE. IT CAN'T BE, CHECK AGAIN, DO IT AGAIN!!!!! MAKE IT OK... FIX IT!!! PLEASE!!!! I beg and I beg PLEASE My husband slams his fist into the wall, I am screaming for someone to fix it, anyone... and the doctor, nurse and tech just stare sadly at me... stares I still see in my nightmares to this day. I scream, "I DID EVERYTHING RIGHT, I FOLLOWED EVERY RULE, MAKE THIS RIGHT!!!
And then you hear crying, silent crying of pregnant women around me who recognize that I am their worst fear. I have lost my baby, the baby I have dreamed of and prayed for... she is gone... They move quickly now, I am upsetting all the other pregnant ladies around me and have to be removed from the room...
A peace, that I cannot explain falls over me... I am broken, I am beyond sad... I feel as if I have lost everything and yet I feel this sense of calm and peace... I know Savannah is gone... but in those few defeated moments, I also know it will be okay... I would love to say that that feeling stayed with me... but it didn't. I would like to say I know even now almost 6 months later that I completely believe it will work out... but I don't....
Everyday is a battle. I feel God and the devil fighting over my soul. The devil will not have me... but my faith is fractured I want to believe that my rainbow baby is on her way... I want to trust that when I womb is finally blessed again that that pregnancy will go okay... but every month I test, every month I am irregular, my faith fades a little farther and I fall a little farther into the black hole I seem to find myself in.
If it weren't for my loving husband, who has been a rockstar or my beautiful baby girl that God blessed me with in 2011, Annabelle... I would have let the devil win a long time ago... However I cling to God in hopes that He can ease my suffering because I know if anyone can, He is the ONLY one who can...
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