A year ago

A year ago today we posted for the world and friends to see that we were expecting. Facebook memories are funny, some days they can bring the happiest of memories back to you and others... it can send you back into the pit of sadness and despair...

My devotion today reminded me of "faith like a mustard seed". Truly I wonder, if I had had faith like a mustard seed would I have lost my precious baby girl? Did I lose her because my faith wavered?

I remember thinking it impossible I was pregnant when I took the test, but then as I waited out those first few weeks I thought it was silly to hide it, everything would be fine...

The pregnancy ran just like it did with Annabelle up to a certain point, lost weight from day 1, completely nauseous most of the day and exhausted. As Christmas rolled around I was better... then I failed my gestational diabetes test

I had heard of women failing. They called for me to come in for the LONG test... I felt like death. I felt my body dying on a cellular level. My mind transported back to high school Anatomy & Physiology class and thought about cells bursting because they were going through hyper.... something of another. I was so I'll I could even focus on my book!! Two days later I receive a call saying I had abnormal results and they were sending me to a specialist.

Now maybe it is just me, but at this point no one says to me "Andrea, you have gestational diabetes." I just have abnormal results. So my husband and I go to our specialist appt. To say it was overwhelming and an awful experience just doesn't really capture the essence of this appt.

First thing, the nurse starts talking to me a mile a minute, most of it I miss other than I'm going to be required to take a class... A class?!?! And it's only offered during the workweek at these specific times. Immediately I start to panic, but I can't take time off of work. In her best auction call speed talking voice she goes on to tell me how to work the blood sugar tester and what to do. I am in such a shock and freakout I can barely nod. My husband too, sits in the chair across from me and were both stunned. These people who are supposed to be medical professionals are talking AT us so fast I can barely take it all in. Next they send in this short woman that vaguely looks like the crabby old lady from The Parent Trap with Hayley Mills (the good edition). She goes on to lecture me about my eating habits.
Remember I am actually still 5 lbs down from my pre-baby weight. I cannot stop crying with being so overwhelmed I have no idea what to say... She goes on to take into account the steady stream of tears flowing down my face and says there's nothing I could have done to avoid this and then pauses and says, "well, technically you could be been smaller, but too late to worry about that now." I was stunned. She continues to go over the list of can and cannot eat list. I have already explained to her several times that I am a celiac patient and can't eat certain things... She takes that as I'm not taking her seriously and tells me if I cannot control my numbers my baby will die... words that echo in my head for weeks...