Thoughts 2

I have never blogged in my life... so please forgive me if this seems like the ramblings of a crazy person...

As time goes on and I reflect on those 9 months leading up to the day when everything changed...

Let me be clear... God didn't do this. He didn't kill my baby. He didn't revel in my sorrow or laugh at my tears... he mourned with me. There is evil in this world because God gives us free choice. I don't think God did this to me... however, I feel like He did know how it would end, and He knew it wouldn't end up with me rocking my precious baby girl that I had felt like I had prayed so diligently for for over a year...

I have always been a anxious person. I started taking Lexapro years ago. I got off of it when we started trying to conceive Savannah. During my pregnancy I had a hard time with my anxiety. Especially since it was the election of 2016 and Clinton and Trump were battling it out... I got to the point that I couldn't even listen to the radio anymore and started tuning into the Christian station K-Love to listen to in the car. It had been years since I listened to Christian/worship music. Most days it was just peaceful background noise to go with my thoughts until one morning a song came on tell me to "just be held.. chained by your control" The lyrics spoke to me... I have always struggled with control... not trusting God with my life decisions, only going to him when things are out of my hands, like when grandma was dying and I needed her to hold on just a little while longer as I sped my way to her. But in the day to day decisions and life dealings I always wanted the control to handle it. I always felt like God was too busy to deal with my minor life dealings and I would help him out by taking care of those little things.

Every morning there was a new song that spoke to me and soon enough I had a decent playlist on my phone to listen to during my conference time, grading papers, ect.

Never did I imagine those songs were given to me as gifts from God to cling to many months later when I really did need to "Just be Held". So many of those songs weren't about my anxiety... in hindsight I feel like God was preparing me... in a way telling me "This is going to happen, and it's going to hurt... REAL bad... but it won't break you... come to me, seek me, rely on me..."

I;m not sure I'll ever be able to describe those first several hours in the hospital... I know once we were put in our room and everything was set up I just clung to my husband... and my two best friends flew into my room in a flurry of tears and hugs... I think they thought I was being silly and overly cautious when I had texted them earlier... which I don't blame them... I thought I was too...

But those first hours, when I was still numb... looking back on them now, those were the easiest hours... Everyone expected you to be sad and upset... now... 6 months later... no one asks now... in that dark hole I find myself. People dance around it not sure what to say...