Hebrews 12:14

A lost friendship has been weighing heavily on my mind for a few weeks. I think it's my way of preparing to see her this week for the first time in about a year. 

This friend was considered my bestie for the last 12 years. Notwithstanding my dearest two friends who have moved away and dealt with life. Jamie was there. I met Jamie in college and immediately hated her... she rubbed me the wrong way. The next semester we had another class together and a mutual friend. We became closer. I attended her wedding, was there to celebrate the birth of her son. She celebrated my wedding, the birth of my daughter. I held her and listened to her in her anger and hurt when her husband of 9 years announced two months after the broth of their sweet daughter that he wanted a divorce. I plotted his demise along with her. I rejoiced with her when she found a new man to provide for her. Was he matron of honor and toasted her and her new husband. 

It was that fateful night that I also was made aware by an unsuspecting friend of hers that Jamie didn't like my husband. In fact, she used him as the butt of her jokes and an example to her friends on how a bad husband is...

This threw me for an absolute loop. My husband, the man that had unquestioningly had no problem when Jamie needed me those first months after her husband left. My husband who had always been my rock. Now, don't mistake me, my marriage is not perfect, but my husband is a good man. I racked my brain trying to figure out how she had come to this conclusion...

I went to an unbiased friend, which was hard as Jamie's personality is kinda polarizing and many of my dearest friends were open with me about not liking her. The however never put her down and often recognized her friendship with me. This unbiased friend didn't really know Jamie. She knew how upset I was about her apparent talking about my husband and encouraged me to be upfront with her and tell her it wasn't ok and she needed to stop. So I did. 

After confronting her, I noticed anytime I would complain about something he had done, she would become very critical. I got to the point I stopped. She was like a buzzing fly in my ear. Constantly pointing out to me what he was doing wrong, how he wasn't good enough, how lucky she was she had gotten it right the second time... hinting that I could too... At first I was like YEAH! And I found myself getting irrationally angry at him for small things, things that didn't matter... but she had started that and I allowed it to go on... then one day I realized

Marriage is not an easy life. There are times you would like to throw your hands up and yell... there are times my husband is wrong and pigheaded... there are times he forgets to buy me presents for the days you buy presents on, such as Valentine's Day... or buys me the "wrong" present... There are days he is a pushover in my daughter's discipline... There are days he just plain frustrates the ever living poop out of me... There are days he watches the game on television and ends up not getting a thing done all day long. leaving me to do all the household chores alone

But you know what... I'm sure he could say the same things about me... or even worse, his list could be longer and and worse than my frustrations with him. 

I am not perfect. He is not perfect. Our marriage is not perfect... but it was a union promised in front of our families and God that we swore we would keep. Is Earl perfect? (Yes, his name is Earl) No... but neither am I and somewhere I realized that. Somewhere I remembered all those lessons from God reminding us who to surround ourselves with and who to allow into our thoughts and minds.

I stepped away. Then I was told again, from my unbiased friend this time that she was still telling stories about my husband, not only to her but now in front of people Jamie didn't even know. Then other friends came to me... relaying stories she had told them. Normally I would take that with a grain of salt, but some of those stories had a grain of truth in a sea of lies that made me know that the people coming to me wouldn't have known them had it not been for her telling them. 

I isolated myself from her. I hate confrontation... so I just stopped talking to her...

Finally I had prayed and thought about it. I typed out an email... and decided when the time was right I would email it. So I waited and finally sent it. In true Jamie fashion she denied she had ever told any stories... but went on to say if she had she would have been right to do so because she was protective over me... and then not only that but went on the martyr herself that I didn't care about her...

I was done. I didn't respond... I knew it would make her more angry if I didn't say anything back. She haphazardly dropped a bunch of baby stuff on my front porch along with my house key laying in an open box. 

Then we lost Savannah. One of the worst moments of my life and she wasn't there. Don't get me wrong... she reached out to me... but I know the statistics of failed marriages after the loss of a child and I wouldn't allow anyone who didn't love us both into my circle again. 

It was hard. There were so many times I wanted to pick up the phone to call and cry to her, knowing she would understand. I knew she would take care of all the details of the funeral, I could have just buried myself in my room and she would have taken over... it was her way... but this loss, this journey down an empty desolate road wasn't just about me. It wasn't just me who lost that night. My husband, my daughter, our parents, Savannah's aunties, our families... 

As days and weeks have turned into months... as time has gone on... she started messaging me on Facebook messenger for awhile after not showing up to the funeral... little memes about courage and strength and quotes... then she "unfriended" me and blocked me and professed to the world she had been wronged... 

Time hasn't healed that wound and as I think about it, I find myself irrationally angry that she thinks she is the one wronged... I who lost my child and a friendship... 

What is the blessing here... because I didn't allow her back in... my friendships have strengthened and doubled. My marriage is so much stronger. I discovered that my husband is my real best friend and partner in life. No, I can't complain to him about him... but maybe I shouldn't be so quick to complain about him.

I prayed to God yesterday and gave Him these thoughts. I asked Him to reveal to me what to do in regards to this friendship. In my devotional tonight was 2 Corinthians 6:14-7:1 "Don't team up with those who are unbelievers..." and finished up with Hebrews 12:14 "Try to live in peace with everyone, and seek to live a clean and holy life, for those who are not holy will not see the Lord."

Today the pastor spoke of the parable of the lost sheep and how we are like them. We make no plans to wander off the path God set for us, but we just find ourselves like sheep, nibbling our way through life looking for the next "food" until finally we look up and discover ourselves lost. And God being the amazing father He is, comes to our rescue, pursuing us and loving us and setting back on the right path.

My friendship with Jamie never honored God. We never encouraged each other in Christ. I'm not even sure she believes. I will pray for her that she may find happiness in the one who blesses us.

I have no ill will toward her and wish her a life of happiness. If I ever see her on the streets I will continue on my path God has set for me and do what He calls me to do that day. No longer will that anger fester in my heart or mind. God has taken it and in it's place. He has blessed me in my life richly with friends who love and support us... BOTH.

Thank you God for the blessings of love and friendship. For friends you called to help lead me back to my path. I would never have survived this journey of grief without you.